Shame Spiral and its ever spiraling spiral of…um…shame.

In the last month alone, many LGBTQI-identified San Franciscans have gone missing. Community organizers in San Francisco fear that the number of disappearances will only increase.

Most of the missing are regular (or regoolar if you want to pronounce it in a funny, carefree and whimsical way) patrons of dance parties in the Mission District, and the bulk of the disappearances happened after a party on March 4th, 2011 at a venue called Public Works.  The party was called (cue loud, orchestral, horror movie type music)…Shame Spiral.

Aysha is one of the promoters of Shame Spiral so we felt that we should have our Apparel Protection Technician, Veedoubya, ask her about this whole sordid affair because he’s been really good at asking questions recently (especially questions about money) and Aysha would obviously crawl over a bed of red hot coal and random bits of sharp metal to do some self-promotion. Wouldn’t we all?

V: Aysha, I’m sure you’re reeling  — perhaps rocking, but not necessarily — from this recent spate of disappearances, but (and excuse my French, or Danish) wtf does LGBTQI mean?

Aysha: As a resident of San Francisco — a supposedly progressive city — I am in shock and awe that you are not familiar with the term LGBTQI. I would like to encourage you to visit the “The Center” on Market Street, where you can have the opportunity to educate yourself about the Queer community. Until then, I will assist you in the beginning stages of your education. LGBTQI stands for Licking Groin Because Taste Quality is Interesting. Poor Elizabeth Taylor, a champion for Gay Rights is surely turning over in her grave regarding your naivety.

V: Do you feel that these disappearances were abductions or kidnappings or do you feel that there might be some kind of anti-matter portal into another dimension in or near Public Works, a vortex that exerts such a strong centrifugal force that it just sucks people in?

Aysha: I felt the sucking force of this vortex at Public Works on New Years Eve. (Special thanks to my amazing date for the evening).

V: Do you think the date, on which a lot of these people vanished, March 4th, has some special significance? Isn’t it Saint Casimir’s day, the patron Saint of Poland and Lithuania.  Perhaps he is also the patron Saint of Vortexes? Is that plausible.

Aysha: Although I have not been contacted directly by the patron Saint of Vortexes, I will happily add Saint Casimir to the VIP List for the Shame Spiral. Would Saint Casimir be more likely to patronize our bar if Patron Tequila was offered to our patrons for a discounted price?

V: Could this all be a huge Public Works conspiracy, crafted by a small, dwarf-like man with unloving parents who grew up in a suburb of Jacksonville, Florida, but who now presides over a shadowy San Francisco commission hell-bent on extorting people by overcharging them on their P, G & E bill in a (hopefully) vain attempt to stoke their anger to a point that it will ignite citywide anarchy and a total breakdown of civilization in the Mission? Did his unloving parents adopt him?

Aysha: AGAIN, your lack of knowledge about Queer community is astounding. Please go for a hot buttered rum at the Glass Coffin in the Castro and THEN ask me about small, dwarf-like men!

I refuse to discuss anarchy, the breakdown of civilization, suburbs OR my utilities bill unless you buy me a Tecate at the 500 Club. I take it with lime, please.

V: Could he be orphan Andy. Can you see a pattern forming here? Aysha, can you, can you, can you, can you…?

Aysha: I see the direction you are going with this question, and I feel forced to admit that I did, indeed, go on two Match.com dates with orphan Andy. He was rather limp & greasy, and couldn’t go past 4 am.

V: Is tuning in, turning on, and dropping out wise advice, given that large amounts are dropping out, and largely through no choice of their own. Goddamit woman, have you no sense of decency, have you gone mad?

Aysha: Are you trying to tell me I’m going to get in trouble?

V: Perhaps Aysha these mysterious events are all of your design and doing. Perhaps you are the long lost sister of this Orphan Andy, the dwarf-like being who is determined to implement his fiendish plans with no regard for man, woman, child or small German dog that you could easily fit into a stylish purse or upscale shopping bag? I think we’re onto something here, Miss Aysha “Butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth” Cromeenes.

Aysha: I don’t care about you, or your small German dog, as long as I can have a purse to match my eyes. And, if you are going to start telling the truth about my relationship with my brother orphan Andy (OR my dwarf-like stature) I’m going to bed.

(SIDENOTE: mmmm, butter.)

V: Do you really think these people will emerge from the depths or are you merely trying to ease your own guilty conscience? This is my last question. I leave you to ponder all these questions and that empty space that used to be your soul?

Aysha: As you may have learned (the hard way) as an Apparel Protection Technician, I am a woman and women do not EVER have guilty consciences. We operate on dirty martinis, pepto bismol and shots of espresso, and we eat men like you for breakfast. Then we LGBTQI for lunch and dinner.

Meet me in the men’s bathroom at Shame Spiral on Saturday and I will discuss the matter of the empty space that used to be my soul. It could use filling.

Thank you for your inquiry, and good day to you.

As you can see dear readers, Aysha is evidently wracked by a guilt so existential and all consuming that she can hardly get her answers straight. Come to Shame Spiral on Saturday and decide for yourself, try to have as much eye contact with Aysha as possible (if you like you could cut your own nose off and use binoculars to look at her, which is about as much eye contact as is physically possible) and you will feel the guilt emanating from her empty soul.

Veedoubya
(Public Works Apparel Protection Technician)

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